Great way to start the new year…

I got up this morning a tad worse for wear from NY celebrations, had a cuppa and decided I’d best get to the shops to get some breakfast, etc. before they closed.

Promising myself a bath when I get back, I venture out. I’ve greasy, ratty hair, I’ve not shaved for a few days and I’m in crumpled clothes from yesterday. The trip to the shop is uneventful, on the way back the carrier bag breaks and I’m left to carry the contents by hand.

I’m dawdling along paying no attention to the world when a cars pulls up and the passenger beckons me over. They are lost, do I know where soandso road is? I pause to think for a sec then start to give directions (basically: go back that way *points* turn left onto main road, take your first right). Now after I’ve explained this several ways, they pull out a map and ask me to show them on that.

I point to where they are, and point to where they want to be – you can almost see the road they want from where they are, it isn’t at all hidden.

Them: ‘Ere sorry we don’t know how to read a map, can you show us again?
Me: Umm, sure. Here you are *points* that’s the main road up there *points to map and road* that’s where you want to be *points to map*
Them: ok, so we are ‘ere *points to wrong page of map* we wanna go there *points fuckknows where* Oh I fourt we was close, that looks miles…
Me: no, look forget the map, turn the car around, go to the end of this road, turn left, then take the next right. that’s the road you want. It’ll take you 60 sec to get there.
Them: ok, so …*repeats what I just said*
Me: Ok. That’s right. Bye.

I start to walk off and they wind up the window, I hear them talking in the car.

” I don’t fink ‘e had a clue. Bloody tramps”

I flash what passes for a smile back at them and they set off, I watch as they reach the end of the road and turn right

What a great start to the year; being called a tramp by someone that doesn’t know their left from their right…
The bath, cuppa and bacon roll made up for it when I got back home though.

Early one morning…

So, stupidly early O’ clock, 7 am or something, I hear my mobile phone announce a new text message.

A finger poked through the gap between the quilt and mattress is hastily withdrawn and inspected for frostbite. In my sleepy head I realise there are miles of cold mattress to cover before I reach the edge of the bed and can get the phone.

Doing my best to keep the pocket of warm air trapped around me as I squirm forward, I accidentally let a foot slip outside the quilt. This draws an involuntary “Fuck!” from my lips.
The edge of the bed draws near and a psych myself up to plunge my arm down to the floor to collect the phone.


Back in the warmth of the bed I punch in the magic runes to wake the ‘phone from its slumber “C *

The phone lights up.

“You have 1 new message”
The temperature outside is below freezing.

Bloody computers. They never tell you anything you didn’t already know.